The Usable Friend.

When God hurts you enough to break off the friendship....

You know I have been wanting to write this for a while.....

I am not a writer, I try to express myself on paper, it helps me when I write things down, like my brain understands it better. But how do I write without hurting anybody, but still expressing the truth, the truth in my heart? It is hard.

I have been going through so many phases of my life the last year, growing, hurting, laughing, loving, giving, learning the raw truth and God does this to make you realise things in life, what is important for your own well being.

I was in a friendship, I was the friend. But I could never feel I benefit from this friendship. Instead I always felt "broken", I was never good enough of a friend, and this is where I naturally offer things to people, I will help you with anything, to win the friendship. But now you must understand, I did not know I was doing this to "keep" or "have" friends. God wanted me to realise what is happening.

But going a bit back, I started studying in January 2016, guys this was exciting, I was doing something for myself, following my passion, and yes I did this ALL BY MYSELF!! BUT it was hard work, weekends were filled with classes and I realised going out of Friday evening made me very tired for my classes, so I made a rule no more going out or social events on Friday evening. I was less available as a physical friend. But couldn't friends maybe understand this? my sacrifice? my time? But now you must understand My Husband and I always invite people over, ALWAYS. do we get invited to other people's houses? Maybe once a year, if not then never. WHY? why people, why do you go to your friends house but never return her night off to cook and have fun at your house. Why always mine? I still want an answer for this.

But I felt my friend would understand, but now she didn't. I thought she did until end of last year I realised she did not get it!

I mean looking at this, we went to church less, the tiredness packed up, did this make us less of a Christian or less religious? NO!!!!!!!! People you need to stop judging your friends, if you don't know how they feel or actually managing their life at the moment. Stop it! Just stop right there, no JUDGING!!! But my husband and I, we were being judge, we knew it. But we were just ignoring it. faith kept us going. Around November I started to getting my life manageable, I was learning, I was growing. I started to manage it better.  But this stage we were already not in the "group" that we were suppose to be. We were not in the "church friend" category so we were not enough or I don't know what people call it.

My favourite part in the bible about judging people is reading Luke 6:37-42

Do Not Judge Others

37 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”

39 Then Jesus gave the following illustration: “Can one blind person lead another? Won’t they both fall into a ditch? 40 Students are not greater than their teacher. But the student who is fully trained will become like the teacher.

41 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 42 How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

I was told at one stage I must be more like this friend, or that friend. During this stage where I would get preaches on how I must be in my life,how I must do things in life, how I must be able to manage my time better like its ABC(managing time is one of my weakest points ever) , how I must handle my "depression" how I was forced with religion down my throat as if I did not know Jesus.  (My friend may see this differently) but this is how I experienced it. This is how a felt over and over again. I started questioning myself, and I would ask myself Am I a Christian, does Jesus know me? I started judging myself in a very unfair way. I am a horrible person, that why no one likes me, that is why people want to change me all the time, mold me into their perfect little "usable" friend.  My husband and I would lay in bed talking about this hours and hours trying to figure this out, why are we being judge? why are we still their friend? we are not good enough? we horrible people? we should go to church because then we will still have friends. Feelings were so confusing at this stage. We would pray days and nights to let this be solved and pain disappear. we keep on judging ourselves for weeks. One day I was sitting thinking all of this over and over again. God then opened up to me, and said "how can you do that to yourself?" But God that is they way it is. "Are you questioning my creations of you?" No of course not I would say.

God made me realised that day, HE MADE ME WHO I AM!!

 I AM PERFECT WITH MY IMPERFECTIONS!

Yes I need to learn and grow. But I had to stop judging myself and letting other people climb into my mind and making myself negative about myself. I had to accept this is how God created me. And God did not make mistakes! God never makes mistakes!

Then I saw this picture on my pinterest wall or facebook, I can't remember.

This picture popped up more and more but in different photos and way but with the same sentence to make me realised this is what God wanted from me.

This made me realised it was the end.

Amazingly enough, I didn't have to do anything to end the friendship.

One morning I just got an email from my friend stating her views and opinions, and I realised in her letter, she had no clue what was really happening in my life, what I was feeling, what I was seeing. Like I was blind to her, I wanted to not reply, but I just wanted to give her the bigger picture than what she was seeing. I knew it would hurt her, but I was hurt. Badly.

So I told her, what I saw, felt, and knew. I tried to create the picture for her and how I felt and saw it. She did not take it well and wanted to see me for coffee. But I knew this was the end. there was not going to be more coffee dates, or dinners and lunches. It was over. This was the end. Until now I could stuck with it, because I know this was not a healthy friendship for me, it was not healthy for me as a person. It was not a friendship that helped through bad times, that was there to listen to my pain and say nothing back, just understand or at least try to. It was not a supporting friendship AT ALL. It was not that friendship where you can be honest and just say I had a bad day and it okay to have bad days, bad days People are not about "complaining" , its about acknowledging it was not a good day or week, but I am surviving. People need to stop judging and calling it complain, it is not! I was not growing or becoming a better person. Instead I felt, negative, broken down, not good enough, not a christian, not a believer of GOD, my opinions did not matter, EVERYTHING I would say was bad, not good enough, wrong, evil or whatever. She would comment on everything I say, everything I say or believe was not RESPECTED but instead I was attacked on how wrong or how can you believe that and how she knew better about everything I knew or believed. THIS was eating me up, I started to realised I cant have a conversation with her without being attacked with her opinions.

I was tired and exhausted by this friendship. It was draining me. It was not filling me as friendships should be. Friendship for me should be filled with, support, respect, love, friendly gestures, acknowledging, accepting who you are with your imperfections! This should give you the energy to get through those tough times. Yes prayers as well!! But God didn't create friendship to be bad, he created them to help and support you! He created friendship to be there when you need a shoulder to cry on, and to laugh with.

After about a month of our friendship that ended, I only came to realised all this, I got a clear perspective of what it did to me. and this is BAD.

No I am not saying she is a bad person, she is not. She is God's child as well. She has a good heart and all. But we weren't meant for each other, we didn't help each other but instead worsen each other and that okay, it happens, but these friendships are toxic and not doing you good and should be ended. It does not mean she is bad friend for other people, NO for other friend she is the perfect friend, friends are different to different friends. One friend can bring good out in 5 friends but not in other 2 friends. We are all different puzzle pieces and not all the pieces fit. We need to see when the pieces don't fit and leave before anyone gets hurt too much.

Now I am writing this, I have NO friends, NO more coffee dates, lunches and dinners. It is just God, my husband, my two dogs and I. BUT I am happier, I feel free, I feel energetic, I feel positive and I feel I can love myself again for who I am.

One thing I did realised the whole year. FAMILY IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT. Family before friends. Always.

Okay so I tried BBG....

Well guys this one looks so promising. But I can never follow through with it. The diet plan is even harder for me. I just feel 30min a day is not enough  I prefer going to the gym. Doing weights, cardio and sometimes classes like Pilates and pump. I feel better when more exercise is done and more motivated, BBG does not keep me motivated, it feels too little, although I did see some results but it does not feel fulfilling enough.I am not saying its bad,I am sure it helps for other people, but it does not feel enough.

SO I have decided to combine the BBG with other exercises to exercise for at least 45 min.

I have decided to follow the USN diet plan without the supplements as well as their exercises.

Starting 27th Feb 2017 as week One.

So the diet consist of the following

Morning:
Drink a luke warm glass of water with splashof lemon and preferably go gym on a empty stomach.

Breakfast
BREAKFAST OPTIONS (MEAL 1) - CHOOSE 1
OPTION 1: SPINACH, HAM AND CHEESE OMELETTE
1 large egg, 2 egg whites, 30g ham, 1 cup chopped spinach
40g mozzarella cheese, 1 slice rye/low GI bread (optional:
toasted), 1 small fruit (apple/peach/plums)
OPTION 2: CINNAMON PROTEIN AND NUT OATS
45g Oats/oat bran (weighed raw), cooked, 1 scoop USN
100% Premium Whey, ½ tablespoon single cream, 15g
almond flakes (approx. 5 almonds), cinnamon to taste
(optional), 1
/3 glass of fresh grapefruit juice diluted with
water or a small fruit
OPTION 3: ON-THE-GO LOW FAT SMOOTHIE
1 scoop of USN 100% Premium Whey, ½ cup Greek style
fat free/low fat yoghurt, hand full fresh/frozen strawberries
or berries, ¼ cup coconut milk/low fat milk, 3 – 4 ice cubes, 1
tablespoon Chia seeds (optional)

Snack
I will be having a fruit and coconut cream/milk smoothie instead of supplements.

Lunch
LUNCH OPTIONS (MEAL 3) - CHOOSE 1
OPTION 1: THAI CHICKEN BREAST AND MIXED VEG
100g skinless chicken breast pan fried in the following:
1 teaspoon of ACTI LIFE MCT OIL*, 1 tablespoon soy sauce,
1 teaspoon oyster sauce, 1 teaspoon fish sauce,
¼ small red onion chopped, ½ cup cooked wild rice
Or
½ cup mixed sweet potato and butternut, boiled/grilled/
roasted with fresh chili, salt and pepper to taste
OPTION 2: GRILLED STEAK AND PAW-PAW SALAD
100g grilled steak (fillet/rump/sirloin), sliced, to add to
salad, 1 cup mixed greens (baby spinach, rocket etc.) or 1 cup
garden variety mixed veg for a warm option
1 tablespoon of mixed seeds (pumpkin, flaxseed, chia,
sunflower etc.), ½ cup cubed paw-paw, 4 cherry tomatoes
halved, olive/flaxseed/canola oil and lemon juice for
dressing to taste
OPTION 3: CAJUN SPICED HAKE WITH QUINOA STIR-FRY
120g grilled hake fillets prepared with a Cajun mixed spice
mix, 1 cup of stir-fry mixed vegetables, ½ cup steamed
quinoa or cous-cous, ¼ fresh chili to taste

Snack
Nuts and/fruit

Dinner
DINNER OPTIONS (MEAL 5) - CHOOSE 1
**EAT BEFORE 7PM
OPTION 1: STUFFED SPINACH AND FETA CHICKEN
FILLET WITH STEAMED VEGETABLES
100g skinless chicken breast, ½ cup raw, chopped spinach,
4 baby tomatoes, chopped, 1 tablespoon crumbled feta
cheese, 1 cup steamed vegetables
OPTION 2: HAKE WITH A CHEESY BROCCOLI SOUP
120g hake fillet prepared with ground pepper and lemon
juice, 1 cup chopped broccoli, 1 cup chopped parsnips, ¾
cup fat free chicken stock, ¼ cup grated Edam cheese,
1 tablespoon flaked almonds (to sprinkle over soup), 1
teaspoon lemon juice, salt and ground pepper to taste
OPTION 3: CHILI CON CARNE ON A BED OF CAULIFLOWER MASH
100g extra lean mince, ¼ cup chopped red onion, ¼ cup
chopped green bell pepper, ¼ teaspoon cumin, 1 tablespoon
tomato paste, 1 whole tomato, finely chopped, chili pepper
to taste, ¼ tin kidney beans, drained, paprika/cumin to
taste, 200g cauliflower (for cauliflower mash), fresh garlic
to flavour


Then the exercise plan will go as follows:

I am going to add the link, but remember I am going to combine bbg and this, to make one that works for me and areas that I want to work on.
USN Fat Loss Exercise plan

So lets give this a try  this will be a 12 week challenge.

Starting weight and measurements are as follows:
I am tall, 172cm
Weight 76.7kg ( I don't really look at the scale, as muscle weighs more than fat but rather measurments)
Bust: 96cm
Upper arm: 30cm
Waist: 78cm
Belly button: 92cm
Fattest POS: 97cm
Hips: 98cm
Upper tigh: 64cm
Knee: 43cm
Calves: 39cm

My goal is to get to 68kg. :)))

Got to shed 8,7kg.


Wish me luck, and lets do this.

Why I haven't been blogging?

I haven't blogged since last year February, things has been rough fr me this past year. Juggling work and my studies and also been dedicated as a wife has really taken me places.

My biggest struggle was time management, I just couldn't get my head around it at all. I couldn't plan properly thus it just started to feel the mountain I am climbing was getting bigger and steeper, I did go through a stage where I was depress, I didn't know what I was doing or what I was suppose to do. I kept quite about it for months until I totally cracked, I was not sleeping well, I was anxious and it was just too much.

I prayed for God to help me, but I did not feel a break through. I sometimes wonder maybe God wanted to teach me something, I am actually not so sure about it. But it tarted getting better and my rest December holidays was needed to clear my mind and find myself again.

And now I am typing this with so much confidence that I will take this year on 10 times better. I am figuring out how to manage my time right, worked our a 6 month planner and time schedule. I have started to exercise as well, this is really a part where I want to focus in myself by becoming more confident.

I have also quit my job and now starting my own business where I am going to give casual cooking classes from my home. I am so excited to write more about this, I have so much plans and just can't start fast enough.

I will also be blogging weekly about my exercises to keep me motivated to finish my challenge and continuing.

I am so thankful for God in our lives and for my husband and amazing family and friends that are standing behind me and believe me with so much support that I feel so confident and strong that I am actually excited for this year.

love Txx

Our New house

This has been the most toughest decisions we have ever come across, big house, small house, medium house, which area, pool or no pool, how big of a garden, there where just so many questions. Here our relationship was also tested as we had to make tough decisions and we need to make this decision together and agree.

 We had so much influences from our friends and family but in the end we had to make a decision for us, what we enjoy and like, what our priorities are like.

We are so outdoorsy people and love nature, but in the city you not going to get close unless you live like 30 min out of the city where we definitely dont want to live, as it is not safe these days as well. 

After many discussions we decided to buy a house, ready for a family and all. Not that family planning is on my list at all!! But we decided to buy a house and invest out time in one place, than to move again at a later stage when we have kids and the townhouse is getting to small.

After a lot of praying and talking to God as well as each other, after seeing so many places for 4 weeks, we decided to give it a few months break and that is when we had this last house to look at, but I felt negative because everything we have seen so far was not feeling right.

But this was the house, believe it or now, before we stepped into the gates of our house, we knew this was  it, God was telling us this is the place, the holy spirit was filling the house as we walked. It was not really out type of look but had everything we liked, bonfire boma, enclosed lapa, pool and jacuzzi, long practical house with no funny wall spaces, rooms where spacious and loved the flow of the house, enough parking for everybody. This night we signed the deal and it was done, we bought our first house!!!

It was scary let met tell you, here was the before picture of our house, after pictures will soon follow, we did some changed here and there. 

Love T xx

Coffee Machine.....

On Valentines day, my husband had surprise me with this amazing coffee machine.

He knows I am a BIG coffee lover and very fussy about coffee quality and couldn't have been more perfect gift for a coffee lover.. now to try out all different kinds of coffee beans.....

Reino's Dad has passed on.... 6/2/2016

This has been really a though year for us.Heartbreaking really. When my husbands dad was diagnose with lung cancer and secondary brain cancer. Stage 4. 

We did not realised he didn't look healthy or maybe we did see it but not register it in our brains. 

We did try our best to commute from PTA and Rustenburg every weekend trying to spend enough time as we could.

My husband shaved his hair for cancer awareness. 

Reino's birthday family photo. 

It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions scared, fear, hope, faith, trust, anger, confusion, sad, emotional, and many more. At one stage you did not know what to feel or think was the weirdest feeling ever. 

When we found out I especially arranged a awesome birthday party for my husband as this mighy be his last brithday together. And glad I was thay I did it, put in those extra little efforts. And Was that  a special day to remember with his dad. 

After my husbands birthday, came Christmas and again went out of out way to make this day special, as it could be his last Christmas and sadly it was. But memorable. You realise now how much it means to take photos, to keep memories alive. Glad we did. 

After Christmas Reino's dad has been just getting worst every week, I remember in the last month, everytime we said goodbye "really goodbye" it was the hardest thing to see. The pain that went theough your chest. Tears you try to  keep swallowing, try not to make it tooemotional  for his sake.  We would get in the car and our heart would just pour out. 

Till today couple of months later its still hard for Reino, he gets his days were the pain is too much, tears come again and the wound is fresh again. But we would keep on praying and the pain would get less again but soon it comes back again. I know we all still think about him everyday, i know sometimes Reino randomly wants to give him a call, send a sms and hopes to heat his voice just one more time... Hug his dad just one more time.... Lets just talk a little bit more he would say. 

I would like to thank everybody for their prayers and for such love and strong faith! We prayed so hard, and we know he tried his best to fight cancer, he fought so so hard! We know that he has peace now, no more pain and he is probably having fun in heaven! 

One saddest thing of all thay breaks out hearts, he will never be able to meet our children. When we do have children it is going to be a tough one to think about. 

One of the last photo I could take. I always felt so awkward to take photo's, but what I did take was worth it and wish I took more! Always take photos, they precious memories thay are kept alive. 

RIP Nico. We know you lived your life the fullest. 

Lotsa love your son and daughter in law.