The Usable Friend.

When God hurts you enough to break off the friendship....

You know I have been wanting to write this for a while.....

I am not a writer, I try to express myself on paper, it helps me when I write things down, like my brain understands it better. But how do I write without hurting anybody, but still expressing the truth, the truth in my heart? It is hard.

I have been going through so many phases of my life the last year, growing, hurting, laughing, loving, giving, learning the raw truth and God does this to make you realise things in life, what is important for your own well being.

I was in a friendship, I was the friend. But I could never feel I benefit from this friendship. Instead I always felt "broken", I was never good enough of a friend, and this is where I naturally offer things to people, I will help you with anything, to win the friendship. But now you must understand, I did not know I was doing this to "keep" or "have" friends. God wanted me to realise what is happening.

But going a bit back, I started studying in January 2016, guys this was exciting, I was doing something for myself, following my passion, and yes I did this ALL BY MYSELF!! BUT it was hard work, weekends were filled with classes and I realised going out of Friday evening made me very tired for my classes, so I made a rule no more going out or social events on Friday evening. I was less available as a physical friend. But couldn't friends maybe understand this? my sacrifice? my time? But now you must understand My Husband and I always invite people over, ALWAYS. do we get invited to other people's houses? Maybe once a year, if not then never. WHY? why people, why do you go to your friends house but never return her night off to cook and have fun at your house. Why always mine? I still want an answer for this.

But I felt my friend would understand, but now she didn't. I thought she did until end of last year I realised she did not get it!

I mean looking at this, we went to church less, the tiredness packed up, did this make us less of a Christian or less religious? NO!!!!!!!! People you need to stop judging your friends, if you don't know how they feel or actually managing their life at the moment. Stop it! Just stop right there, no JUDGING!!! But my husband and I, we were being judge, we knew it. But we were just ignoring it. faith kept us going. Around November I started to getting my life manageable, I was learning, I was growing. I started to manage it better.  But this stage we were already not in the "group" that we were suppose to be. We were not in the "church friend" category so we were not enough or I don't know what people call it.

My favourite part in the bible about judging people is reading Luke 6:37-42

Do Not Judge Others

37 “Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back.”

39 Then Jesus gave the following illustration: “Can one blind person lead another? Won’t they both fall into a ditch? 40 Students are not greater than their teacher. But the student who is fully trained will become like the teacher.

41 “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? 42 How can you think of saying, ‘Friend, let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye? Hypocrite! First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.

I was told at one stage I must be more like this friend, or that friend. During this stage where I would get preaches on how I must be in my life,how I must do things in life, how I must be able to manage my time better like its ABC(managing time is one of my weakest points ever) , how I must handle my "depression" how I was forced with religion down my throat as if I did not know Jesus.  (My friend may see this differently) but this is how I experienced it. This is how a felt over and over again. I started questioning myself, and I would ask myself Am I a Christian, does Jesus know me? I started judging myself in a very unfair way. I am a horrible person, that why no one likes me, that is why people want to change me all the time, mold me into their perfect little "usable" friend.  My husband and I would lay in bed talking about this hours and hours trying to figure this out, why are we being judge? why are we still their friend? we are not good enough? we horrible people? we should go to church because then we will still have friends. Feelings were so confusing at this stage. We would pray days and nights to let this be solved and pain disappear. we keep on judging ourselves for weeks. One day I was sitting thinking all of this over and over again. God then opened up to me, and said "how can you do that to yourself?" But God that is they way it is. "Are you questioning my creations of you?" No of course not I would say.

God made me realised that day, HE MADE ME WHO I AM!!

 I AM PERFECT WITH MY IMPERFECTIONS!

Yes I need to learn and grow. But I had to stop judging myself and letting other people climb into my mind and making myself negative about myself. I had to accept this is how God created me. And God did not make mistakes! God never makes mistakes!

Then I saw this picture on my pinterest wall or facebook, I can't remember.

This picture popped up more and more but in different photos and way but with the same sentence to make me realised this is what God wanted from me.

This made me realised it was the end.

Amazingly enough, I didn't have to do anything to end the friendship.

One morning I just got an email from my friend stating her views and opinions, and I realised in her letter, she had no clue what was really happening in my life, what I was feeling, what I was seeing. Like I was blind to her, I wanted to not reply, but I just wanted to give her the bigger picture than what she was seeing. I knew it would hurt her, but I was hurt. Badly.

So I told her, what I saw, felt, and knew. I tried to create the picture for her and how I felt and saw it. She did not take it well and wanted to see me for coffee. But I knew this was the end. there was not going to be more coffee dates, or dinners and lunches. It was over. This was the end. Until now I could stuck with it, because I know this was not a healthy friendship for me, it was not healthy for me as a person. It was not a friendship that helped through bad times, that was there to listen to my pain and say nothing back, just understand or at least try to. It was not a supporting friendship AT ALL. It was not that friendship where you can be honest and just say I had a bad day and it okay to have bad days, bad days People are not about "complaining" , its about acknowledging it was not a good day or week, but I am surviving. People need to stop judging and calling it complain, it is not! I was not growing or becoming a better person. Instead I felt, negative, broken down, not good enough, not a christian, not a believer of GOD, my opinions did not matter, EVERYTHING I would say was bad, not good enough, wrong, evil or whatever. She would comment on everything I say, everything I say or believe was not RESPECTED but instead I was attacked on how wrong or how can you believe that and how she knew better about everything I knew or believed. THIS was eating me up, I started to realised I cant have a conversation with her without being attacked with her opinions.

I was tired and exhausted by this friendship. It was draining me. It was not filling me as friendships should be. Friendship for me should be filled with, support, respect, love, friendly gestures, acknowledging, accepting who you are with your imperfections! This should give you the energy to get through those tough times. Yes prayers as well!! But God didn't create friendship to be bad, he created them to help and support you! He created friendship to be there when you need a shoulder to cry on, and to laugh with.

After about a month of our friendship that ended, I only came to realised all this, I got a clear perspective of what it did to me. and this is BAD.

No I am not saying she is a bad person, she is not. She is God's child as well. She has a good heart and all. But we weren't meant for each other, we didn't help each other but instead worsen each other and that okay, it happens, but these friendships are toxic and not doing you good and should be ended. It does not mean she is bad friend for other people, NO for other friend she is the perfect friend, friends are different to different friends. One friend can bring good out in 5 friends but not in other 2 friends. We are all different puzzle pieces and not all the pieces fit. We need to see when the pieces don't fit and leave before anyone gets hurt too much.

Now I am writing this, I have NO friends, NO more coffee dates, lunches and dinners. It is just God, my husband, my two dogs and I. BUT I am happier, I feel free, I feel energetic, I feel positive and I feel I can love myself again for who I am.

One thing I did realised the whole year. FAMILY IS ALWAYS IMPORTANT. Family before friends. Always.